Lately I've been thinking about all the ways I want to improve myself, be more athletic, more outdoorsy, better read, more organized, better cook and the list goes on and on. I feel the need to be able to connect with everyone. I to plan to make some changes to have a better scheduled, healthier lifestyle but I think I need to also stop this self loathing.

My christmas list

-Cooking for friends by Gordon Ramsey
-A onesie
-A tan
-Back to the Basics by Ina Garten
-a New laptop
-Also some sort of candy

That 1am feeling

I'm in phoenix. Late at night because I can't sleep. It feels good to be done clinical and finals. I feel a bit lonely though but this song makes me swoon. Girl Like You by Pete Yorn

Outside the weather is frightful

But my onesie is so delightful.

On a side note Roger and I broke up and I quit my job and my friendship with charlotte.
All negative things but I feel positive today and I don't feel like going into detail about all of things now. I'm off to eat sushi and study.

fuck this day

eat my shorts

work...

So I just found out I no longer have my weekly routine shift. Overall it makes sense for the seed, more smooth to have two twelve hour positions but now there is no room for any relief downtown. I barely have time to work right now but it's tough not having any income at all. I'm not sure of my next move, I dont want to become completely uninvolved in the seed but I find it too difficult to scrounge around for relief shifts at the shelter. Plus I don't really want to work twelve hours while in school. I guess I better pray about this.

Nausea, heartburn, indigestion..

For the last couple of months I have been frequently nauseous. I'm getting so sick of it, literally, I need to get to the bottom of it. At first I thought it was dehydration and yes drinking a large glass of water with a bit of lemon juice in it, every morning seems to be helping somewhat. Also coffee seems to agravate it. So I've been avoiding coffee and drinking more water but everytime I am walking outside I feel like im going to vom everywhere. Maybe it's lack of sleep or GERD? But whatever it is I need to fix it.

consumerism, wigs, and cranky me

I'm grumpy. Combo of lack of productivity for my required school work, too much time with other people and no time alone, Sarah being on my case, and just feeling slightly out of control.

-midterm, went okay probably mid seventies is my guess.
-Lunch with lindsay, so nice to see her and catch up! Farm was tasty but now I feel slightly sick, perhaps too much cheese.
-Zelda
-clean my house
-Maybe supper with roger?

I have a lot going on, but for once I feel on top of things and okay. Money is going to be tight but I think I am on track with life. I feel that I am drawing closer to God and trying to do things my way less and seek his ways more. Things with Roger are great, I feel like we are hitting a comfortable sexy spot in our relationship and it is nice. School is going well, I need to really buckle down and get to work but I think I'm doing alright and that is a nice feeling

I'm bacck

Wow I feel like I have been absent from my own life, wandering around in some kind of cloud where I was barely present and hated all normal life functions. Perhaps it was stress or because I was sick but whatever it was I really don't want it to happen again. I want to live a life where I am present, even if it is not always easy or happy.

pissed

This morning was slightly awful. Roger and I both did not sleep well at all, and he ended up waking up at 430am and subsequently i woke up, tired and grumpy and I was trying so hard to go back to sleep but I was warm and uncomfortable and crowded. Then drove him to work which took longer then I expected and now I have little time before clinical. Oh and my boss called and basically forced me into a friday and saturday team lead shifts. So I can't go to lethbridge anymore. UGH

I'm here, now what?

Had a super busy week. Lots of schoolwork and fairly busy with work things as well. This weekend has been nice, went to a snowboard movie premiere and an acoustic house show with Roger. Both were so nice and I'm excited to go to lethbridge next weekend.

My mom called this morning to tell me my Opa isn't doing so well and he may not make it through the day. Ive been expecting this call, maybe not this soon but it isn't unexpected. I know he will be going to be with his Lord and Savior but I feel pretty sad. Mostly for my mom who wants to be there with him but isn't able to be. I don't know what I should be doing or feeling.

Feeling good feeling great how about you

Finally school week over, couple things to finish tomorrow but overall I feel so relieved. Had the nicest time with Roger.. I think we just need to have more energy around each other. Plus I am starting to be more like myself which is nice, because overall I think I am pretty rad. Saw Lindsay and had a great catch up visit. Bible study tonight, I feel like im finally getting back into the swing of life.

so much to blog. so little time

Spent the long weekend in Ontario overall a really bittersweet trip. Some of the highlights include listening to my Oma explain how dark people are happy because they are, " all like hey mang," eating some delicious dutch food, and seeing my opa. The lowlights being my sister's being fairly rude to me; to the point that I actually felt like crap, (I think I need to put some distance between us for a bit), knowing that that is almost definitely the last time I will see my opa, and things were rather awkward between the cousins. Anyway happy to be home but I am stressed about the amount of schoolwork to do this week. Roger came over last night and we finally had "the talk" haha it was the best ever, basically it began with Roger saying, "sooo I'm not neurotic..." and continued onto be the most drawn out indepth conversation which could basically summed up like this.. I like you, you like me, do you want to define things? Naw. Cool me either. I have so much more I wanted to write about but I need to eat some food and get homework done.

For next time- Michelle's experience in the OR

I need to be better... my patient care is good and I feel confident with my safety in tasks, but all the charting and menial writing tasks need to be brought up to snuff. I am tired and stressed and should do more schoolwork but I just want to sleep.

Tonight relax, watch gossip girl and get a good sleep.
Tomorrow transitions project, laundry, and pack.

Saw Roger last night and it was soo nice. I had a great sleep and a good day at clinical now I just need to stay ahead of everything.

stress

Sometimes I hate humanity. Everyone feels so unique and that there problems and dealings with life are so much more difficult then everyone else's and I am no exception. I feel like I am rushing around with my head cut off, so much to do, not able to do it all, and that my life sucks worse then everyone elses. Ugh I need a good kick in the ass and just to get things done.

You and I

I think we could be great together.. just a few hitches like the fact you have a girlfriend and I dated your best friend.. small small problems. haha. Well you left today and so is Roger. I'm confused and also feeling pretty distanced from the world and unhappy. Im a big baby what can I say. Oh well must finish reflective writing. Maybe going to see charlotte tomorrow will help? Or maybe I should stay home and get somethings done.

Man my face still is killing me! ahhh and I am having a hard time concentrating on other things. It is not so fun. Roger came over last night brought ice cream and made me jello and I couldn't hardly muster energy to talk at all.

Gotta have faith

Think positive..

my face hurts!

Wah.
Oh man I am conflicted again. Anytime I am about to start up something new old habits pop up. I can't decide if I a) self sabotage b) am just not ready to be exclusive c) am a slut or d) am scared of commitment. eep. I feel like this should be an easy decision. Ex-boyfriend and I have proven that things between us do not work out why would I even consider going back for thirds, my blonde friend has a girlfriend who he is moving in with and I should even think about him that way, and Roger is wonderful and sweet. Man maybe I should just bang my head against the wall.

The boy

I am quite taken with a man at this time. I have had a little girl crush on this guy since I was 18, I think it was his long flowy blonde hair and gentle spirit but I never really thought of him as a actual option, he seemed very unavailable. He is a good friend of my roommates so I was very content to be sort of friend/ aquaintances with him. He left to go to South America for a year, we kept in touch a little bit. Anyways he got back this July. So one night I am at work and I get a call from my pal Megan, she has won tickets to see MSTRKRFT and can't go so she gives them to me. The concert is that night so I'm frantically looking for someone to go with I ask my roommate Sarah but she is busy but says oh hey Roger isn't doing anything tonight.. so I asked him and we had a great time and then slept on the deck. OH YEAH and he kissed me. I was stoked like oh yeah I made out with roger but never expected anything of it but here I am about a month later. He calls me at least every two days, we hang out quite often and I am loving every minute of it. It is hard to get a hold of him because he doesnt have a cell phone but that almost makes it better because it takes all the worry and guess work from me. He calls me, he invites me places.. kind of old school but completely great.

today

-6am woke up and went to school to study
-10am wrote a midterm which was decently hard and I didn't spend as much time on the written part as I should have. I have a short attention span what can I say.
-12pm racing along the highway listening to rob zombie (wtf? haha), and looking forward to a yummy lunch prepared by my mother.
-1215pm got pulled over by one of the countys sherrif.. I may have been going 167... my bad.
-cried the rest of the way to my parents.
-230pm sitting in a dental chair getting my mouth frozen.
-330pm all done.. with a swollen face, six stitches, four bloody teeth, and my personal favorite a prescription for T3s to show for it. All in all the procedure wasn't too horrible, slightly uncomfortable especially the bottom right it took my dentist four tries to yank it out and that hurt my jaw but c'est la vie. All done now and it can only get better from here.. right?

stuck in my head

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLZcfk1wr4I

fall 09

wow I have not used this bad boy in a long time, but since I am sick of my other blog I think I will hit up this one again.
This morning was great!
-woke up at six
-got a latte
-saw my newly married pal Lindsay
-saw a big fat black kitty carrying a mouse
-drove home as the sun was rising

I love getting up early and really getting a feel for the day but I never do it unless I am forced by something. Midterm tomorrow, worth 30% of the mark. eep. So I best do some studying today.